I have the silliest fear…. It makes no logical sense, though not many debilitating fears ever do. Lots of people are irrationally afraid of clowns (coulrophobia), afraid of crowds (enochlophobia), afraid of failure (atychiphobia), even afraid of success. I am afraid to sing in public!

I have been trying to coach myself through this for some time with Michael’s help. But, I’m tired of baby steps. We’d love to create a jazzy lounge act for fun…imagine me in a Jessica Rabbit outfit with a stand-up bassist and Michael playing the piano (or, at least, that’s how I picture it). He’s an experienced musician with years of playing in successful bands behind him. He was even signed with one of them.

I’m not a stranger to performance, either. Besides being involved in dance for several years, I did summer stock theatre in upstate New York with my mother over a couple of years as a child, where I–get this–sang in several musicals!!!! I continued to do musicals in high school, as a matter of fact. I was even involved in choir and won first chair soprano!!! So, why the fear of singing in public?!?!

I told you, it’s irrational.

This fear existed in childhood but got much worse in high school, sometime around the audition for first chair soprano in the choir. The choir instructor called each of us to the piano at the front of the room, in front of our peers, one by one. Before my turn, I felt just a little nervous–nothing too serious. But, when I stood to walk to the front of the room, my knees felt like mush, my pulse soared, and my mouth went dry. When I began to sing, my throat closed up, allowing nothing but a fraction of my normal volume to escape. I had no control over my voice at all, it seemed. I couldn’t do it! Oh, it was so humiliating. The instructor said something like, “That’s OK. Just rest a second and try it again.” So, I did. But, it really didn’t get any better from there.

Believe it or not, though, the instructor still gave me first chair even after that horrid experience. He’d heard me sing several times before. But, I dropped out of choir shortly thereafter.

I’ve never been able to sing in public since! I’m determined to really get past this, though.

Michael thinks there’s another reason I have this problem, related to my mother. She’s a professional singer. Yeah, there’s no coincidence there, huh…. The trouble is, I really don’t enjoy her voice and never have. I don’t want her to suffer any shortage of self-esteem on my account, so I just don’t mention it anymore. But, as a child, I used to have to run the vaccuum cleaner to relieve my ears when she practiced! I would do anything to escape the house and get away from the aural assault. Michael thinks I may be subconsciously harboring a fear of being my mother. As a child, I always felt embarrassed for her when she performed. So, he may not be far off.

But, logically, I know I have a completely different type of voice than my mother’s. We like different types of music and have completely different styles. At least, that’s what I tell myself constantly.

I knew a guy in college who was absolutely terrified of swimming. He COULD NOT contain himself if he even thought about it. But, one semester, he enrolled himself in Swimming 101. He wanted desperately to get past his fear, just like me. We had that in common. I admired his bravery, but assumed he’d back out at the last minute. Well, he didn’t! The first day of class did not go smoothly, he later told me. While the rest of the class jumped in and started learning strokes, he slowly entered the pool, panicked publicly, then held on to the side of the pool for dear life over the rest of the hour. BUT, HE STAYED IN THE WATER ANYWAY. And, he went back for more! WOW. That was inspiring! The second class, he was able to work his way away from the wall toward the center of the pool. But, during the third class, he was dog paddling! It was a few weeks before he could go underwater. But, he did it! By the end of the sixteen week semester, he was swimming from one end of the pool to the other with the rest of the class.

I’ve always remembered that guy in relation to my own fear. He is still inspiring me to this day.

There is a thought that I’ve read recently that is also helping me. I thought I’d share it with you, in case you have anything like this that’s holding you back. It’s this…..

Instead of concentrating of HOW you’re doing something (how you’ll climb into the water; how you’ll keep from panicking; how you’ll climb to the top of a tower and conquer your fear of heights; or how you’ll ride a rollercoaster), focus on WHAT you’re doing. Forget the how. Just do it.

My problem is clearly overthinking. I find that’s true in most aspects of my life.

It’s so simple just saying, “Don’t overcomplicate things.” It’s clearly another to do that. And, that’s why you’ll want to take baby steps, just like my swimmer friend. That’s why I’ve taken to singing short stanzas of a song now and then with the radio in front of Michael. I’m not thinking of HOW–I’m not thinking, “OK, now, I’m going to sing for Michael. Ready, go!” NO. I’m mentally just following along with the song. His presence is merely incidental (not totally, because I am deliberately singing in front of him–but, I don’t let that come to mind at the time).

I’m getting better and better at this exercise. And, I think if I can sing without hesitation to Michael, I won’t have trouble with anyone else as an audience. I hold his musical opinion in very high regard.

My voice sometimes does screw up unexpectedly. Such is life. I have to make an excuse to myself in my head. “I didn’t warm up first. It’s morning–nobody sings well in the morning.” It softens what would otherwise be embarrassment for not being perfect. And, really, who is?

It helps that Michael’s not terribly judgemental. I wonder what I’ll do when I’m performing in front of someone who is?

What scares you most? Do you have any tips to share that have helped you get past your fears?

May 12th, 2008
Categories: Uncategorized . Author: Trisha

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